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The Man Without a Face

Mickey One

Mrs. Soffel

Please Don't Eat the Daisies

Portrait in Black

Queen Margot

The Remains of the Day

Shirley Valentine

South Pacific

The Sundowners

Thunderbolt & Lightfoot

To Kill a Mockingbird

Torn Curtain

Up in the Air

Vicky Cristina Barcelona

Young Victoria


 

 













NO WYSIWYG: The Man Without a Face is Mel Gibson's début as director and, I think, it's much better helmed than his Oscar-winning Bravefart. Granted, it doesn't have Gibson cavorting his bare ass in front of the camera or have heads and innards splattered across the screen, so therefore it isn't the kind of movie those who love his Three Stooges juvenility would line up to see. (And they didn't.) The Man Without a Face is about the ill-effects of falsifying otherwise innocent or delicate situations: if it has the depressing moralistic posturing of Diane Keaton's The Good Mother—that sometimes truth isn't enough to open the minds of Philistines—it's nevertheless a reminder that children are used to shield adults from the fear of exposing their own willful ignorance. (In America we're more afraid of not joining the comfort of pack mentality than the fear of the Judeo-Christian belief of condemnation for breaking the 9th Commandment.) The way Gibson handles the subject matter is evidence of his sensitivity to society's punishing hypocrisies; it confirms that when he wishes he can overlook his own lack of finesse and his convenient intolerance about what the real world is made of. And not surprising, considering his own brood, is the expert handling of the kids—he knows their wandering adventures, use of forbidden language, their insensitivities and instant querulous eruptions—and he's especially adept at what he gets out of his co-star Nick Stahl. Gibson himself wasn't his first choice to star in the role and therein may be a slight discomfort: he hadn't yet lost his celebrated good looks (clearly absent by The Patriot), so when the audience gets its first lengthy views of his Pizzahead, the makeup despite intentions is depreciated. But not for long: Gibson is acting for a change and that's always worth seeing; The Man Without A Face is the last film before Payback that isn't his tiresome WYSIWYG.

Mickey One is all about Warren Beatty and director Arthur Penn farting out an “art” flick as gesture to Fellini and Godard, with a decidedly depressing Willard Motley atmospheric mix of Chicago’s Maxwell Street, DPs, a bit of Nelson Algren and the infamous Marina Towers. Four things going for it, at least for a while—Beatty’s boyish handsomeness that hadn’t tipped over yet into sterile plastic, Ghislain Pieree Cloquet’s black and white photography, a friendly jazz score by Eddie Sauter highlighted by some nifty improvisations by the great Stan Getz, and faces. A lot of faces, with character oozing out of them ala Studs Turkel or a Mike Royko column, blessedly without names. For the first half hour, the gritty imagery flies by and we’re working just as fast to collate it into something coherent, when to expect that it make sense belies its arty fartiness. Beatty’s Mickey is on the run from Detroit mobsters he doesn’t know for a crime he’s not sure he committed. He seeks refuge in Chicago, taking a crack at standup comedy at local dives until he’s offered a gig on Rush Street by Hurd Hatfield (doing his usual cryptogenics). Warren’s got little if any protection—there are no famous co-stars supporting him, no glam shots in glam outfits propping up ironic airs; what’s coming out of him is a mystifying trust only in himself and distrust in Penn. If there’s an intelligence hidden in the gassy script, we’re not recognizing much beyond the whiffs of urban paranoia but we see the smarts working in Warren as he’s trying to find something, just as we can see how he found a way to bring a bit of whatever to the rot of The Only Game in Town. (One of Beatty’s unacknowledged gifts early-on was his ability to make himself watchable as a loser or in mundane or confusing scripts, later to become unwatchable in similar follow-ups.) Mickey One has a Let No Man Write My Epitaph grunginess that saves it as a curiosity. With Alexandra Stewart, Franchot Tone, Jeff Corey and Kamatari Fujiwara as the junk artist, the kind of flora absurda that sprouted in too many of Fellini’s movies and would blossom to Academy Award glory, with limp and bummer teeth, in Ryan’s Daughter. One of the production designer Sylbert twins thumbnails it: Mickey One ½.

HOOSEGOW DE LUXE: Woman friends of mine love Mrs. Soffel, Gilliam Armstrong's bittersweet, based-on-fact romancer starring Mel Gibson and Diane Keaton. Partly, they tell me, it's the boy-toyism of Gibson's youthfulness, making them want to do what Diane does—wrap their protective arms around his dangerous petulance. They also admire Diane's character's courage to move on, facing the harsh proscriptions for her adultery, for her abandonment of her children. Chiaroscuristic in style, provocative in its tone, the movie's not a “woman's picture” in the way we regard certain 40s and 50s melodramas, when the obligatory suffering is faked to be noble and righteous. Calling it feminist, though, wouldn't at all be a put-down. In fact, its early 20th century setting swoons with suffragettism. For no apparent reasoning, I'm ambivalent towards the movie; I respect it, recognize that both stars are very good—neither has ever been this controlled—and admire the trappings. Maybe I admire one of the trappings more than anything else because it seems to overwhelm the movie: Pittsburgh's Allegheny County Jail. Designed by Henry Hobson Richardson in 1885, and completed in 1888 (and, when last checked, still in use for family and juvenile incarceration), it's a monument to the Piranesian style of architecture, and by this I mean the jail conforms to the artistic schemes of the Italian artist Giovanni Battista Piranesi, set forth in his renowned collection of imaginary prisons entitled Carceri d'Invenzione. Piranesi saw Roman ruins (sub prisons) as “fantastic, immeasurable dungeons dominated by immense, gloom arcades, staircases rising to incredible heights, and bizarre galleries leading nowhere.” His engravings became an important influence on 19th century romanticism and also played a role in the development of early 20th century surrealism. The Allegheny County Jail is stylistically romantic, and there's definitely something hugely incongruous and absurd about it. Not only a great place in which to make a movie—it's the real star of Mrs. Soffelit would also make a great disco or mall, or the prison of Mel's choice when he finally ends up in one.

Rarely ever got into Doris Day. She was pleasant enough most of the time, though at some point she always turned into an automat. In her comedies and musicals, she was the virginal Jane Lynch you cracked jokes about. It’s of course true that she was miscast as Ruth Etting in Love Me or Leave Me and when she sang “Ten Cents a Dance,” you weren’t sure for whom she was so mesomorphically shimming in her flashy dress. But the asexual overtones were compelling, like an Amazon on an urbanizing drip. In the popular Pillow Talk, she and Rock Hudson had a good time in what looked to be a party for two but don’t we all wish they hadn’t made those two follow ups? The only time I’ve really countenanced her is in Please Don’t Eat the Daisies, a comedy based on Jean Kerr’s best seller about the escapades associated with being married to the famous theatre critic Walter Kerr. With names changed and the idiocy rather mild, it’s an unnecessary family picture that doesn’t cloy too much because the critic David Niven and wife Doris have kids as pranksters who get laughs in the background. It’s Doris’s nonchalant responses to the kids that surprise; she’s not frantic, she’s nearly natural in ignoring the fact that one of the brats is locked up in a cage or sitting on a barred up window sill of the cramped high rise apartment dropping water bombs. If not a likely choice to be a Niven costar, she matches up with him far better than she does with stiffmeister Cary Grant. The dilemma of critics interacting with the stars they review is given minimal wit, similar to Bob Hope in Critic’s Choice, the juicier possibilities sacrificed for a broader audience. In her last movie role, Spring Byington lobs off a few good ones and the zingiest is aimed at derrière diva Janis Paige. Customary for Hollywood back then to give Doris a few songs to sing and the two full numbers provided are bummers. With Doris’s clout, couldn’t she have put her foot down and refuse to sing those few bars of “Whatever Will Be”?

Portrait in Black is another of producer Ross Hunter’s inglorious vanities showcasing the only remaining exploitable asset Lana Turner had left—sleazing her way through histrionic sexcapades. (The boys of Bad Movies We Love are a bit kinder—winking that she’s been processed like “a four-course Velveeta banquet.”) In her previous Hunter smörgåsbord, Imitation of Life, Lana pretended to be both a virtuous mother to Sandra Dee and an acclaimed theatre star hoping to nab the leading role in a faux Fellini picture. Her fraudulence, the expensive jewels and furs, the patented sticky blond globs and slutty titlessness were thankfully overshadowed once Susan Kohner started to pass herself off as white, was beaten up by Troy Donahue and then suffered the most extravagantly humiliating sobbing ever by a daughter at her own mother’s funeral. Nothing comparably rank in Portrait but there are some pluses: despite its awfulness—the escalating badness of Anthony Quinn—Lana on occasion looks healthy in a Claire Trevor sort of way, gets amusingly slammed by her soon-to-air-bubbled-in-the-heart husband Lloyd Nolan who tells her that she needs “a vitamin shot for love deficiency,” fends off Richard Basehart’s advances and fireplace iron assault, drives for the very first time (after getting her driver’s permit) a finned-up chromed-to-the-max Chrysler at night in a downpour on California’s Highway 1 without knowing which button to push to use the windshield wipers and earns a mighty slap for her confederate efforts by lover Quinn. Portrait is a flimsy redo of The Postman Always Rings Twice, allowing Lana to survive the original crash to duplicate all those sins of imbecility—even to receive two letters that have suspiciously timed arrivals. Hardly a moment when we didn’t fight the gag reflexes of her mother love to Dee in Imitation, but as extra plus here she’s Dee’s stepmother and it’s minor fun watching Dee size her up. (When she comes into Quinn’s sights as the next victim, we’re not too sure if she should be saved.) The miscasting of Quinn as a husband murderer is too conspicuous; inference rules that his tall greasy darkishness is Johnny Stompanato camouflaged as a doctor smitten by the insanity Lana’s mysterious bewitchment causes in men. If her 1940s ripeness might pardon Garfield’s lunacy, it’s those original oil paintings on the walls of Quinn’s pad that are much more likely the culprit of his homicidal tendencies. Though the abominations are provided a screen credit for the Martin Lowitz Gallery, the artists are not; the anonymity is the smartest move made in this enjoyably rattlebrained trash.

When Alexander Dumas wrote La Reine Margot (Queen Margot), a 1845 novel first serialized as two-page installments in French periodicals, readers were reported to have fainted as well as salivated at the super nasty deeds of Margot's mommie Catherine de Médici who orchestrated the infamous 1572 St. Bartholomew's Day Massacre against the hated Huguenots just five days after Margot married Henri of Narvarre. The ensuing bloodbath so revolted the world that even Ivan the Terrible was said to have condemned it. But Dumas (and the editors) knew the drawing power of murderous bitches, and so do moviemakers. While the 1994 French movie version stars Isabelle Adjani as Margot (looking distractingly like Jennifer Jones), it's Virni Lisi as Catherine who, in personal triumph, appropriately holds the bloody mess together. Originally 160 minutes, Patrice Chéreau's Queen Margot underwent a major re-edit when it didn't perform at the French box office as predicted; despite receiving praise from Paris critics and winning 5 Césars, the public and many international critics found it an overload of violence and too often incomprehensible. Cutting it down to 144 minutes, and adding some historically clarifying comments, the DVD version (at least the one released in America) still creates problems because the rush of events early on—Margot's wedding, her loins burning for fresh flesh (and not her new husband's), the secretive plots with allies and conspirators—don't congeal to make very clear the slaughter that's about to commence. I don't think there's a light or a restful moment throughout, and this hurts Adjani enormously: she alternates between fornicating and pleading for her lover's life and she gets damned tiresome very quickly. However, she's in several provocative scenes that, because of their pruiency or their sheer horror (like her brother's accidental book poisoning, or her visitation after a duel beheading), give viewers reprieves. Chéreau's depiction of the massacre is frenetic, perhaps too much so for us to grasp its historic meaning and consequence, especially if we don't feel we're prepared for it, yet it's a bold enactment, unlike anything we're seen from French moviemakers before. Lisi, who won the Cannes Best Actress prize for her work, has never in her career been this commanding of our attention. Daniel Auteuil as Henri; with Jean-Hugues Anglade, Vincent Perez, Thomas Kretschmann and Miguel Bosé, who looks far healthier here than he does in his more recent bloated bulkiness.

DIRTY WINDOWS: One of the staples of British entertainment is the periodic bow to butlers and housekeepers who help impose “Upstairs/Downstairs” separations between the classes. Part of our attraction to these kind of stories is that, if we're lucky, the head butler or housekeeper is endowed with a magnanimity that overwhelms and thus shames the stiff upper class snobs who in the process are taught lessons about the “real” world from the Leona Helmsley “little people.” There's suppose to be deep satisfaction that servants are always smarter and more humane than their masters but, knowing their place in society, never let on that they are. The Ismail Merchant-James Ivory movie The Remains of the Day deals with another kind of servant—the drip-dried butler who hasn't a purpose beyond the menial, a servant who offers his life as a sacrifice on the alter of subservience, even in the face of moral abjection. This movie spending an inordinate amount of time telling us how emotionally stunted its central character is has a severe handicap right from the start: Anthony Hopkins' held-in, meticulously mannered performance—a tour de force of repression, a monument to emptiness. (A hangover from the never-used script by Harold Pinter?) Japanese-English novelist Kauo Ishiguro's caution about the trap of servitude is lost here in what is the least satisfying Merchant-Ivory production since The Bostonians. How could the moviemakers possibly think that two and a half hours of sullen monotony, without ever bringing a single smile to the audience, serve any useful purpose? Certainly not as entertainment, and while one can't argue the artful stringency of the performances, all the labor is a substitute for Sominex. (Only Michel Lonsdale as the French diplomat with aching feet sparks a minor interest—mainly because he's looking more like Martin Scorsese than ever.) Most glaring of omissions: it's never explained to us what qualities Emma Thompson's character sees in Hopkins' fearful mess. In her final scene, aboard a bus and crying, I didn't believe a minute of her pain. (Who would have ever thought that after his mesmerizing villainy in “The Jewel in the Crown” Tom Pigott Smith would be the right choice as a husband?) Once more Merchant and Ivory hope that the exquisite irony built into the classic stories they film will magically appear to give us a wallop of a climax but, as in The Bostonians and with Howards End, they somehow manage to de-emphasize ironies and thus we're robbed of the satisfaction of fulfillment. This was most apparent in Howards End, when the audience is waiting for the payoff to detonate—when Emma Thompson realizes that the residence had been willed to her almost from the start. There was a chance at the neat ironic twist here in Remains had not the screenplay, holding too much faithfulness to the novel, opened with Christopher Reeves already in possession of the residence wherein Hopkins and Thompson worked. (Reeves' character Lewis needed to be the surprising new owner, since he's conceivably Jewish.) When a movie loses its staying power and allows the audience too much time on its hands, observations are made that might have been ignored if something was actually going on. For all the household staff employed to keep the old mansion in shape, didn't anyone ever think to have the doors and their moldings whitewashed or, more urgently, clean the windows? (The peons—even Glenda Jackson's—wash them in Alan Bridges' The Return of the Soldier.) Such laxity grounds for dismissal. Tony and Emma, you're fired!

BEAUTIFUL PLAIN JANE: Gilbert's Shirley Valentine purposely reminds moviegoers of his 60s hit Alfie. The central characters—in the former, a housewife bored with the if-this-is-Thursday-it's-steak-day routine; in the latter, a womanizing cad—face the camera to more or less wink their smarts at the audience in far more satisfying ways than Sarah Palin managed to. The difference between the two characters is what makes them companion as well as comparison pieces: Shirley is unrelentingly good and decent in her ordinariness, whereas Alfie's relentlessly amoral—a remarkably hypnotic lecher. But you love them equally, because you probably know people just like them. Maybe even from the inside. Pauline Collins' Shirley is a peculiarly smashing success because as you're watching, you keep thinking how it can be that a character who isn't particularly interesting can be this beautifully interesting to watch. Perhaps it's Collins' scrubbed features—she's healthy-looking in her pleasing plumpness, and if she's isn't what you 'd call a hot turn-on, she's safe; there's something reassuring and refreshing about her no-nonsense attitude. And this Shirley isn't above being an equal opportunity exasperater: she bugs teacher, husband and tourist alike. Tom Conti's amorous Greek is rather like a Sam Elliott gambling that he can do an accent. Joanna Lumley, one of the blasted broads of “AbsolutelyFabulous,” plays a high class hooker.

Josh Logan's deplorable movie version of South Pacific prompts detractors to wonder if the unusually high acclaim for the Bartlett Sher Broadway revival might suggest there's more to the musical than a wussy fondness for antiquity. In breathtaking HD, the PBS airing of Sher's production validates some of the raving. Right off the bat, Kelli O'Hara, looking and acting an awful like Reba McEntire, is inestimably more tolerable as Nellie Forbush than that zit on the ass of movies Mitzi Gaynor. O'Hara's the right vision to persuade us that she's a Little Rock hick and she brings some refreshment to the lyrics of the lumpy songs and an unwavering if sometimes sharply piercing range of voice to pull them off. Having missed her work in Sher's equally celebrated Light in the Piazza, there is an innocence about her Nellie that makes her ideal casting as a quite fetching Clara—an aureole-like charm circling around retard emotions. Playing Emile de Becque, Brazilian Paulo Szot has the expanding diaphragm of a matinee profundo and those who love the curdles of “Some Enchanted Evening” will not be disappointed how he churns the cheese, but for my tastes he's a bit too sinisterly hulky-looking, recalling Joe Spinell's Willi Cicci in The Godfather and The Godfather II. Throughout Szot's performance I kept thinking how much better Antonio Banderas would be as needed star and actor. Because neither Szot nor O'Hara achieve stellar luminance as stage personalities in the production, the unintended star becomes Andrew Samonsky, whose enviable thinness as Lt. Joseph Cable is more attractive than John Kerr's. Some of what makes him riveting is a rather disconcerting drawback—his resemblance to James Woods. The calculated butch gait and posturing don't escape notice, either, yet the lures come together almost erotically when engaged for his seduction of Liat. Our investment in Andrew reminds us that the musical has a lousy second act: it's not and never has been acceptable that the character Cable dies off stage. Couldn't he have expired in Liat's arms? The rushed conclusion joining Nellie and Emile also lacks the kind of emotional welling that we're set up for. Much appreciated is that this is not an overly frenetic danced-to-perfection entertainment that leaves you lurching for a 5 Hour Energy shot. And, finally, after all these years, the insipid “Happy Talk” moves beyond nails scratching against a blackboard. Director Sher re-energizes a classic show while at the same time reconfirming that, hemmed in by restrictions in order to get the rights, his praise worthy skills can't do much to deepen its theme of racial harmony. The daughters of Rogers and Hammerstein continue the legacy of their fathers' lightheadedness.

DON'T MAKE 'EM LIKE THIS ANYMORE: Fred Zinnemann's 1960 The Sundowners wasn't well received at the box office. No one that year wanted to see a movie about Australian sheepherders with not much more than a pot to piss in. Not when Ben-Hur was still playing to packed houses, and Psycho was giving moviegoers a new pop icon in Norman Bates who helped change shower habits, and Cary Grant and Tony Curtis were hanging bras and panties on a pink sub in Operation Petticoat, and certainly not when Liz was waking up ravishingly slugged after a hard night with Laurence Harvey in Butterfield 8. After all these years, though, The Sundowners remains the higher model of built-to-last craftsmanship—a period piece that survives our Pentium-speed decay. With a little patience, you become engrossed by what's clearly a labor of love. Zinnemann worked in defiance of the odds, making his most endearing story with perhaps only his foreknowledge as comfort that it would take years before the movie would be recognized as a classic. In their covered wagon, Robert Mitchum and wife Deborah Kerr, their dutiful son and sheep dog, and Peter Ustinov trek to where the seasonal jobs are. Mitchum's a weekend boozer who wants to “keep on the move”—he can't stand that things get stuck in park; Kerr dreams of her own place, nervously guarding the money jar in which there's a hard-earned down payment. Frictional opposites, yet these two really have it for each other: they do in this picture what Mitchum fantasized about in Heaven Knows, Mr. Allison. Working to sustain an Aussie accent but still retaining his humorously American gigolo gait, he's as marvelous to watch against type as Kerr, who sheds the great lady affectations; together they're positively hale. And with her down-under tan, Kerr's never looked more so. Ustinov furnishes more evidence as to why he won 1960's best supporting actor Oscar (for Spartacus); Glynis Johns a tad bit too spunky; and the lovely Dina Merrill the ever-ready real thing as a high strung society type. Playing Merrill's husband is Ewen Solon, who'd pass for Zinnemann's twin. Nominated for 5 Oscars: best film, director, actress, supporting actress (Johns) and adapted screenplay (Isobel Lennart). Kerr won the N.Y. Critics Award; Mitchum the National Board of Review honor.

Not long into Thunderbolt and Lightfoot we start wondering where in hell Michael Cimino in his début as director is headed: a straight's secret homoerotic fantasy? A Midnight Cowboy turned into a Butch Preacher and the Transvestite Kid? We're amused and intrigued by the sexually-tinged camaraderie between Clint Eastwood and Jeff Bridges who bait each other with come-ons but never unzip to consummate. To get the 70s pulse, I looked up old reviews by some New York critics and the words “misogynistic,” “latent homosexual” and “anti-heterosexual” frequently popped up and very derisively: seems a lot of them, including user comments over at IMDb, got angry that Cimino hadn't the guts to travel the route towards consummation so they slammed him for allegedly hiding in the closet. But their disappointment doesn't make the movie any more or less a reflection of anti-woman attitudes American males usually have, nor anti-hetero, though without argument there's anti-gay sentiment cracking about. The real scorn is aimed specifically at braggarts like George Kennedy, who could easily turn anyone anti-male. (Can't think of another actor I get sick of so fast, except Samuel L. Jackson.) Minus the invert overtones, the movie's not about much, really—it's like a 20 year old's daydream of libertine bandits who have to pay a half-price for their wrongdoing, a contemporary updating of Bridges' Bad Company. Unlike the fake mod derelict buddies stuff of Ratso and Buck in Midnight Cowboy, or the glam boys-gunned-into-pop myth of Butch Cassidy and the Sundance Kid, Eastwood and Bridges offer up a bit of white trash romanticism; sizing up Clint when first running into him, Jeff says, “We'd be good together.” Because they don't seize on their compatibilities, Thunderbolt and Lightfoot attains cult status.

For Yankee baby boomers in high school during the early 60s, when the civil rights movement was about to explode, Harper Lee's To Kill a Mockingbird wasn't only required reading, it was a communal experiencesocially unifying as well as instructive. Lee's memory bookabout the South's rabid racism of the 30s as seen through the eyes of moral giant Atticus Finch's tomboy daughterderives its emotional welling by the simplistic device of shattering childhood innocence. (And it swept countless boomers into their lasting love of novels.) It's indisputable that Lee packs in the moral pointers, and thus earns the Pulitzer Prize, but Robert Mulligan's movie is so sincere an adaptation by Horte Foote that it's close to being deadly; it decrees in advance every feeling we're suppose to feel during every scene, it plants the ethics and lack of them too manipulativelyafter a while we're numbed by the rigging. Perhaps something dangerous happens to many quiet liberal viewers now: watching the trial, we get angry at Gregory Peck's Oscar-winning Atticus for not going after the alleged victim's blatant lies because she leaves herself open for brutal cross-examination, and railroaded Tom is such a victimized setup that the cavernous nostrils of Brock Peters, who plays him, become scene-stealing respite. During the movie, we're apt to be reminded of another rigged melodramaPeck's The Man in the Gray Flannel Suit. Not only because the star is once again the Mount Rushmore of decency, but also because both movies are overly manufactured that they look counterfeit. Remember the perfectly peeling washing machine in the kitchen of TMITGFS? During the beginning of Mockingbird, a grown Scout narrates how hot it was that year in Alabama yet when the camera scans the houses, with screens covering the windows, those windows aren't openednot even cracked!and an aged bundled-up Ruth White looks like a candidate for heat stroke and making the dismissal of details worse, Peck remarks how warm it is while wearing a sweater, vest, shirt and tie. Petty? Maybe, if the movies weren't stacked with endless caricatures and preachy lessons. In the role Rock Hudson (on the basis of his work in Something of Value) was scheduled to play, Peck rises above his own self-parody out of sheer solemnity, with help from Russell Harlan's halo-like black and white photography, and together they pushed voters in recent American Film Institute polls to name Atticus the screen's top hero and the movie the second most inspiring of all time. Harlan's night compositions, all of which came out of Universal's backlot, have those menacing, spectral fears from of our childhood. The opening cigar box credits furnished by Stephen Frankfort. Along with Salinger's The Catcher in the Rye, Steinbeck's Of Mice and Men, and Vonnegut's Slaughterhouse-Five, To Kill a Mockingbird, celebrating its 50th anniversary (and selling about a million copies each year), continues to be one of the most debated and censored books in schools. We boomers would like to say, “Go figure,” but that Shirley Sherrod episode and the Trayvon Martin case won't let us.

Torn Curtain is a movie nobody really wanted to make, and you can feel that attitude almost immediately. Alfred Hitchcock had screenplay problems from the very beginning—originally intended to be about the infamous Guy Burgess case that sent England reeling (later done as a TV special by John Schlesinger in 1983 entitled “An Englishman Abroad” starring Alan Bates), ending up a leftover from North by Northwest and The Prize—and then Universal forced upon him Paul Newman and Julie Andrews as box office draws. Both stars wanted to make a movie with Hitch but realized too late he didn't give a damn. On the first day of shooting, Andrews says, he told cast and crew that “the fun was over—the creative part was finished with the script—and the rest is a bore.” But there's no fun in the script, not an ounce of creativity evident throughout, and, while not a total bore (the ineptness and miscasting are too infuriating to put you to sleep), it's a lazy rehash of Hitchcock tricks, visually ugly, and quite nearly idiotic: by any measure Newman should have been pronounced dead by the victim he helps kill. You see too unnecessarily the ridges on Andrews' teeth and what you wouldn't give to waste Lila Kedrova when she keeps repeating “Amerdeecan sponsor, Amerdeecan sponsor.” Bernard Herrmann wrote a score Hitchcock rejected; could it have been any worse that what John Addison supplied?

Before The Hurt Locker stole the thunder, the critics' darlings were George Clooney and his painfully timely Up in the Air. It's clear early in why neither won the top Oscars many thought in early December 2009 were inevitablewho the hell wants to sit in a theatre or at home as an unemployed and watch people get fired by a cold-hearted executioner? Or by “fourth grader” Anna Kendrick? (The irony in the applause is that some of those critics were pink-slipped by early 2010.) If Clooney isn't at his neutral best as a hatchet man, he's at his smoothesta Cary Grant type appearing a bit like Alan Arkin's son Adam. The pleasure square-jawed Clooney brings to audiences is icy charm, a remoteness that allows us to give him the once-over and objectify, and while there's something missing in his persona we continue, at least for now, to be held. His appareled class and roguish demeanorexemplified by his shit-eating grinare calculation. These attributes, if they are such, make him ideal casting for terminating people from their livelihood and for dating starlets who don't speak English. Probable trouble ahead: Clooney has been so high in the rarefied air of super celebrity that his stature elicits minuscule emotional response. In the recent telethon for Haiti, he didn't register a single moment as a mortal male, he seemed a drone. The gas in his engine of fakery is close to empty.   

Barcelona won’t confess any regret over giving Woody Allen a million and a half Euros to help make Vicky Cristina Barcelona but perhaps those responsible for extending public funds should be thrashed anyway. Not presented in a bad light, the city’s barely given the aphrodisiac function suggested by the title. Apparently Allen is at low ebb, even at desperately low ebb, and as a side effect he turns the metropolis into something ordinary and the view from Muntanya de Montjuic into a haze of pollution; he’s using locales without any breath of scope, or ingratiation, without an adult visitor’s sense of liberation. Dredging up a screenplay written years ago, he “updates” its poop de droopiness from San Fran to the Gaudi fantasyland and molds it around Scarlett (Why is she a star?) Johansson as Cristina, Javier Bardem as Juan Antonio and Penélope Cruz as Maria Elena. What isn’t clear is if Vicky (Rebecca Hall) was original to the story—that she’s Woody, oozing his tired brand of neurosis, excessively on display when she drills Javier about his abrupt self-entitled proposition in a restaurant. (And it doesn't look too original that Hall towers over Chris Messina.) Putting Javier at the center of a ménage à  quatre is tantalizing but when Woody takes himself out of the bed and imports Vicky as his surrogate, the gig of cosmo sexuality turns redundant and sour, another bout of anhedonia. Woody wouldn’t permit himself carnal knowledge with another man on screen, but he could get a good actor—someone like Jon Hamm fashionably unshaven—to at least suggest a heating of the sheets with Javier. How metro delicious it might have been for Maria Elena to aim her gun at the crotches of Juan Antonio and Vick. VCB is a ménage à pas moyen.          

The Young Victoria is a decent bio romancer; with great set decoration by Maggie Gray and Oscar-winning costumes by Sandy Powell, with a Schubert-inspired score by Ilan Eschkeri, it's engaging, mostly factual, admirably performed, especially by Emily Blunt in the title role. And slighttoo slight, I think, to be anything more than a reasonably budgeted Masterpiece Theater tease, if $35,000,000 is a sensible expenditure on what amount to coming attractions. Seems the director Jean-Marc Vallée and writer Julian Fellowes, in sticking to the love affair of Victoria and first cousin Albert (Rupert Friend), decided to do away with the kids. We don't need to see them popping out the womb, or throwing up during dinner at Windsor Castle or getting cranky during a Winchester Abbey doings, but their omission prevents us from seeing the couple, known as the grandparents of Europe's royality, as more than figureheads of everlasting adoration. After all, they had nine children. (Some of the births were the Royals' unintentional bestowing of consequential curseVictoria was an originating carrier of hemophilia, passing the disease to son Leopold and as transporters to daughters Beatrice and Alice, the latter the mother of Russia's Alexandra who bore perhaps the most famous hemophiliac in history.) With the kids locked in the closets, and that genetic time bomb conveniently dismissed, about all that's left is Albert's premature death and that too gets the shaft: just as this blue hair matinee special starts to get viewers get into its rhythm, suddenly those black screens begin announcing pertinent info to alert the end is upon us. Whammo! Albert 's gone and Victoria's laying out his clothes, which she did ritualistically until she died many years later. Typhoid finished him off but we're not let in on its deeper tragedyhe reportedly picked it up at home, at Windsor Castle. As historians are quick to point out, he also suffered from stomach problems (maybe cancer) for two years and his weakened physical condition worsened when he tried to quell a growing scandal one of the sons was involved in with a trampy actress, about which Victoria believed was the catalyst cause of Albert's passing. Outwardly he was prudish, the Young Victorian, more so than his wife, and fastidious, such a stickler for efficiency that he was not only what we might refer to as Mr. Mom, his administrative prowess was so valued that by popular demand he was drafted into various government responsibilities. (He was for the abolishment of slavery, had respect for the working class, sought reform and broadening of education, and laid the foundation to keep the Royals above the dangers of shifting politics.) Almost none of this is but scarcely suggested in The Young Victoria; instead, the melodramatic concerns are the Queen's battles with her mother the Duchess of Kent (Miranda Richardson) and her assumed lover Sir John Conroy (Mark Strong). You're reminded a bit of Jean Simmons' Young Bess, which also had a twosome wanting to grab powers via regency. Friend sometimes flashes a wussified Omar Sharif, and Blunt looks a bit silly when finally crowned, in a ceremony that actually had its own silly moments that were filmed but cut from the theatrical release and show up as extras on DVD. (I'd have restored almost all the deleted scenes, and specifically the longer sequence of the Duchess's lover getting tossed.) Two of the producers: the Duchess of Access Sarah Ferguson and Martin Scorsese.

    

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